Faster, Faster Slip This Disaster
by holygoof101
Summary: John Bennett has sucked at girls for as long as he can remember.


A/N: 1) I apologize if this is too fragmented, it was harder to write than I expected and it didn't come out even close to the way I wanted it to so if it sucks to read I'm sorry. 2) I did a ton of research for this and I'm still 100% sure it's not completely accurate so cut me some slack there I tried. 3) If you haven't watched the whole first season you might not want to read this unless you're okay with being spoiled because it contains spoilers through the entire first season. 4) This is for Rob, who finally picked a pairing I could write, I love you and for my buddy and fellow writer kscopehearten , who indulged in my current obsession with me and is just awesome. Thanks. Wish I could have attached your names to a better piece. The title comes from Farewell December by Matt Nathanson

John Bennett sucks at girls. The bloody towel he's holding against is leg is the proof but it's only the most recent proof. He's sucked at girls for as long as he can remember.

It started when he was five. He got down on one knee and asked Katelynn Lindstorm to marry him right there on the playground in front of all the other kids.

"Ewww no you have cooties," she yelled before she kicked dirt in his face. The entire playground laughed as he wiped the dirt of his face and sulked away.

It didn't get any better once the real dating started. In high school he played baseball and hung out with the popular crowd. But he was the quiet and sensitive guy in the group. Which meant that any girl he wanted to date had him in the friend zone. The girls came to him for 'a guy's opinion' or when they needed to buy their boyfriends a gift. None of them were actually interested in dating him. Joining the Army helped a little. He didn't have to work to get laid; the soldier thing did the work for him. But he wanted something more; it was never about getting laid for him.

Until tonight. Tonight is about getting laid and he sucks at girls.

"Bennett you comin back in? The girls are waiting." His buddy's voice calls from inside the hotel room.

"I'm on my way." He yells back as he pulls the towel from his leg to see small traces of blood slowly seeping out of the small gash on his calf muscle. He pats it dry until it looks like it isn't bleeding anymore and heads back outside to the hot tub.

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Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus or MRSA as it's better known around the hospital. That's what takes his leg. Not a bomb or an attack. Three tours in Afghanistan and each time he came home without so much as a scratch. He's been shot at. He's been close enough to bombs going off that he could feel their heat. He's seen guerrilla style warfare and survived. Now less than a fucking month out of the Army MRSA from a fucking scratch takes his leg.

He spends a lot of time really pissed at himself. He's the one that got back in the hot tub. He's the one that ignored the infection. And it's his own fault he didn't have health insurance to help with the medical bills. There's no one else to blame so he mopes around his parents house and just stays pissed off all the time. His family let's it go for almost a year before his Uncle intervenes.

"Johnny, you have to get out of this house. Come move up by me. I can get you into the academy, and set you up with a good job. A stable government job, guard housing. Just come up and give it a try, if you hate it quit but it'll give you a reason to leave the house."

His Uncle is right; he does need a reason to leave the house. He didn't have a plan for himself when he left the Army, and now even if he did he's pretty sure it wouldn't apply and he can't still around feeling sorry for himself forever. He didn't have a plan but his Uncle does and it is a reason to leave the house.

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The job prospect manages to get him out of his parent's house, but it's not good for much more than that as far as he's concerned. His first shift at the prison all he does is sit in a chair and watch Mendez and his pornstache try to figure out how to take pictures for the incoming inmates. He's trying to figure out why he had to endure six months of academy training and four months of supervised duty at the county jail to be qualified for this when Mendez beckons him from his chair and they both try to figure out the computer issues only to have the inmate waiting point out the unplugged cord. He and Mendez exchange looks.

"She was right," he shrugs at Mendez before stepping back towards his chair. Personally he'd rather be outsmarted by an inmate than by Mendez. The dude reminds him a lot of some of the Staff Sergeants he had in the Army. Guys that were full of pride and arrogance that pointed at their stripes like they'd done something to earn them other than kiss ass. Mendez would fit right in with those guys. Mendez would... He opens his eyes for a second and he's no longer sure what he was thinking about moments ago because there's a girl in front of him. She's wearing the standard intake orange that he's come accustom to seeing, he's not accustom to seeing someone like her wearing it.

He's seen other so called "Spanish mami's" come through intake. And he's seen the women that make up the "Spanish Harlem" dorms. Women with all the attitude that makes up every stereotype about Latina women he's ever heard. Women that are beautiful and don't seem like they belong in prison until you look in their eyes and see how hard and cold they really are. A look he's come to expect from the Latina inmates. So it catches him off beat when the Latina woman standing waiting for the camera to go doesn't have that look. Instead she looks doe eyes and scared. There's still softness and innocence in her eyes. She's being locked up in a Federal prison and life hasn't hardened her yet. It will and he knows it will but it hasn't yet and that intrigues him to the point he can't seem to take his eyes off of her. He tries to just follow her with his eyes and not making his intrigue obvious. He's still watching her when she stops and shoots him a soft smile.

His heart quickens and for a second he smiles back forgetting where they are and what they are. The heavy steel door that leads to the next step of inmate process opens and the sound quickly shakes him from his daze. He clears his throat as he drops his tone to speak. "Move forward, Inmate." He says sternly before turning his eyes away. He knows it won't be long before the innocence in her eyes is gone and she's just another inmate.

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He gathers information about her without really trying, it's not that hard since it's a women's prison and no matter what they say women like to gossip. Her name is Dayanara Diaz, she goes by Daya and Inmate Aleida Diaz is her mother. Having the information doesn't stop him from looking at her. It's really hard for him to think of her as just another inmate when he can't get her out of his head. The first time he sees her walk by the CO bubble he has to fight away a smile. He catches himself looking at her too long when he does the daily counts, and letting his eyes follow her, just her, every time she walks by him. And she notices him doing it too. She calls him out on it, asks for a piece of gum and then flat out asks him if he likes her. He's really glad he doesn't have to come up with answer.

The exchange only lasts mere second before he tucks his hands in his pockets and walks away but it sends his mind tumbling. He's a CO, she's an inmate. He's not allowed to like her; he's there to keep her and the other women in line. He can't like her. He doesn't like her. He doesn't like her, she's just another inmate and that's what he's going to tell her if she asks again. But the stick of gum he's hiding under her blanket is his real answer.

Later that night when he's lying in bed alone he closes his eyes and sees her face, the way she looked at him when she asked if he liked her. He sees her big doe eyes and that soft smile she gives him. He tries to tell himself he only left her the gum because he's not ready for the innocence in her eyes to be gone. Then he wonders if she even got the gum he left. He wonders what the look on her face was when she found it. Almost against his will he wishes he could have seen it. And he wonders if she's lying in her bunk thinking about him. He lets out a sigh shakes the blankets on top of him as he looks down at the stump below his left knee. Even if she is thinking about him, she wouldn't want him if she knew. She'd probably call him a freak and turn away disgusted.

His eyes slipped closed and all he sees is her face, her eyes and her smile. The vision of her drifts out and moves from her smile to the curves her of body. He wants to know what she looks like underneath the orange jumpsuit. Through closed eyes he sees the nape of her neck, then the curve of her breast. His hand slides down inside his boxers. This won't be a moment he's proud of. He's not Mendez; he doesn't look at the women in the prison as blow job opportunities. He only looks at one woman and this the only way he can have her. It's the closest he can get to her. No matter how much he tries to deny it, he wants to be close to her, and he thinks she wants to be close to him too. But tomorrow, at work, he's going to start treating her like any other inmate. Tomorrow.

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And he tries. He tries to keep his distance and just do his job. But... She catches him dipping in the yard. He knows he should tell her to get back to work but she asks to try the dip and he lets her. After she spits it out in disgust she asks him to pick the tobacco out of her teeth with the end of a makeshift earring. It's the first time he gets to touch her and everything else fades away into the distance.

It doesn't matter that they're standing on the dead grass of a cold prison yard. It doesn't matter they're surrounded by felons. At this moment he's not a CO and she's not a felon. At this moment he's just a guy, with his hand on the check of a beautiful girl that's looking at him like he's hung the moon. His heart races as his fingers graze against her lips. All he wants to do is kiss her. Even with her teeth covered in specks of tobacco he still just wants to kiss her. He brings his face down closer to hers and he swears that he feels her nuzzle against his hand.

An alarm sounds breaking their moment. They quickly jump apart. He stiffs up and raises his shoulders. "Hit the ground Inmates." He yells and watches from the corner of his eye as she slowly and carefully sinks to the cold ground. The way she moves he can tell it's new to her. She doesn't throw herself on the ground like she's got experience with gun shots and kicked in doors. The way she moves it's just one more thing that tells him she doesn't belong here. She belongs in a place where he can kiss her.

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He starts taking risks to get to know her. They leave notes for each other under the cup where he hides his dip. The first time he read her note she tells him she likes him and his heart soars because he likes her too. He may not know what her life was like before she ended up here but he doesn't care. He checks under that cup every chance he gets. Uses any excuse he can come up with to go out on the yard and check for new note. He knows what they're doing is risky. Even though it is innocent and they're just trying to get to know each other under the worst of circumstance, the law doesn't look at it that way and he knows that. He figures as long as their being caring and quiet it'll be okay.

Or at least that's what he thinks until he follows a note from her into the utility closet only to find her mother, naked and waiting for him. He doesn't know how to react when she throws down her towel and moves in to turn off the lights. He just kind of freezes. All his CO training goes out the window and he's just some stunned kid standing there looking at his girlfriend's naked mom. He stays frozen until she reaches for his belt buckle.

"No. Stop." He demands and pushes her away before he turns the lights back on. "I don't know what you're doing but I don't want to be a part of it." He states and points down to the garment that had been covering her. "You're out of bounds, get dressed and back to the dorms inmate."

Those are his last words before he bolts from the closet. What the hell just happened and how does he explain it to Daya.

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He's trying to talk through the conversation he's about to have with her when Daya sneaks in the utility room. For a split second he looks at her and the world melts away, everything he was supposed to say melts away and he just wants to kiss her. He always wants to kiss, one day he's going to kiss her. But reality sets in quickly and he starts talking. No, he doesn't start talking, he starts rambling. Talking about how their relationship is inappropriate, how he could lose his job for it. He somehow manages to leave out the fact that it doesn't help matter when he can't think straight around her. But that's only because he starts talking about her mom, her naked mom with boobs that were right there in front of him. His mouth is moving and words are coming out so fast he's not even sure of what he's saying. He pauses for her questions but that doesn't stop his racing mind and then the words just fly out of his mouth.

"I don't want your mom, Daya. I want you."

It's the first time he says it out loud, he didn't think he had to. He thought she could tell, he thought she knew. He's thought that since the first time they spoke when she asked if he liked her. But her whole face softens, and her eyes glimmer and then... Then she kisses him. He's not prepared for it but it's everything he's been imagining. Big soft lips that just engulf his, her hands tugging softly at the hair on the back of his head, and emotion that he just can't describe. She's kissing him like he's the only person she ever wants to kiss. There was time not long ago, a few weeks at most, when he wondered if she was just playing. He'd heard the stories of inmates playing guards making them think they care so they could get special treatment. He can't say he never had those thought about her but this kiss... She's not playing. She's not playing him at all, this kiss tell him she knows how he feels.

Her hands move to the buttons on his shirt and he tries desperately to stop her. He knows where this is leading, and he knows what happens next because it's happened before. She doesn't let him stop her, so he just stares at the door and waits as she pulls his pants down. He waits for her to see the glorified plastic that makes up his lower leg. He waits for the reaction of disgust and rejection. He doesn't want to see that look in her eyes so he just keeps staring at the door. Then he feels her lips against the skin just above his prosthetic, he looks down and she's there looking up at him. No rejection or disgust in her eyes. She's looking at him like he's the only guy in the world. Like she doesn't care, because she doesn't she proves that when her reaches to pull down his boxers. His eyes slipped closed and he breathes out a sigh of relief.

"Stop," he tells her before he pulls her up off his knees. He's not sure when he'll get to do this with her again and he wants to do it right. The circumstances and surrounding may suck, but he still wants to show her how much he wants her and he wants to do it the right way with respect... And love because he's completely falling in love with her.

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He's off for two days following their encounter in the closet and it kills him. They didn't have time to talk after, and it's not like he can go seek her out or call her up. When he comes back to work he requests yard duty so he can see her. He doesn't want to seek her out though. His conversation with Caputo is still fresh in his mind and the last thing they need is suspicious eyes catching them. But she finds him.

It's awkward at first, like two teenagers that just lost their virginity awkward. Maybe that's an accurate description since she's the first girl he's been with since he lost his leg. He can tell it's awkward for her too. He's pretty sure she's had plenty of experience with other guys but she seems new to talking after. To making conversation it's almost like they're both waiting for some kind of rejection or a 'had fun but I'm done' type of statement. She fumbles over her words when she asks about his leg, and it's the sweetest thing he's ever seen. She talks like doesn't want to hurt his feelings or make him unwanted.

"Doesn't it?" She asks.

"Not anymore. Just a little clumsy sometimes."

"Yeah me too." She laughs and tucks her hair behind her ears.

"I was never too steady anyway. When I was a kid I broke a bone or sprained an ankle at least once a year until I was 14." He laughs and shrugs as he leans against the fence.

"No shit really?"

"Yeah I had eight broken bones in seven years. I broke my hand so many times they almost didn't let me into the Army. I had to get all these medical waivers. I swear I did Daya." He watches as she leans against the fence next to him. Close enough to be close but not too close.

"You was in the Army? My cousin went into the Army; they sent him to Iraq now he's all fucked up and shit. He has these crazy nightmares. You get nightmares?"

"No. No nightmares. I went Afghanistan there's is some seriously messed up stuff that goes on over there. But no nightmares." he shakes his head at her as he scoots just a touch closer. He looks down at her hands nervously fumbling with the zipper on her jacket. "I dream about you a lot though."

Her whole face lights up and her hands stop the nervous fumbling, "Really?"

"Yeah," he steps forward and takes her hand in his for just a second. "Yeah really." Their situation sucks and he has no idea at all what he's doing because he sucks at girls. But for just a second he gets to hold her hand like they're real couple and it feels like the start of something real.

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Then in an instant everything changes. Some scary Dominican shows up at his house talking about Daya, and crib and a baby. He tries to talk to Daya about it but Aleida interrupts and basically threatens him. At the very least she gives him one hell of a verbal beat down. She basically tells him to figure it out.

Thing is he hasn't really thought about the future in a long time. And he sure as hell hasn't thought about the future for them. Not seriously. He's had moments where he's wondered what things would be like if they met outside in the real world. He's pictured being able to take her on dates, tell his friends about this great girl he's crazy about, introducing her to his parents. So maybe he has pictured the future with her but now... Do they even have a future now? She's in prison and if it's found out she's pregnant with his child he's going to prison. It's not exactly any future he would have ever pictured for them, but now it's a real possibility. He needs to figure something out... For them. He could quit his job, disappear to somewhere else and move on with his life like she and their baby don't exist but that's not an exit he wants to take. He's not that kind of guy. So he needs to figure something out. He needs a plan for his... His family.

It takes a couple of days for him to come up with something. And it's a risky plan because he has to ask for outside help but his Uncle helps him with furlough paperwork for Daya without asking any questions but he knows this is just a plea of sympathy for an inmate.

"I just hope you know what you're doing here Johnny," he tells him.

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The plan isn't fool proof though and the longer he waits to hear from the warden about her furlough the more nervous he gets. All the visions of dates and a life together outside the prison's fence start to fade and he starts having this nightmare.

It starts the same way with him standing in a big grassy yard with tall barbed wire fences surrounding. Just on the other side of the fence he can see a little girl waving, he waves back and then Daya walks up and picks the little girl up. Then they both wave at him. He tries to run to the fence but the chains on his legs only let him briskly walk. The girl and Daya are reaching out to him and he's trying so hard to get to the fence to touch them but as soon as his hand hits the fence it buzzes and he feels a shock knocking him backwards.

That's when he wakes up in a cold sweat, one step from having a panic attack. He's had reoccurring nightmares before, ones of war, ones of his lost leg, even the one where you show up in public completely naked, or in his case completely naked with a prosthetic leg, but he's never had a nightmare that made him feel like this. He's never had nightmares that make him feel like his chest is caving in making it impossible to breathe. He wants to tell Daya about them, he wants to go to her for comfort. He wants to go to her with everything but he can't. It's impossible to do when the most time together they get is stolen moments in the yard.  
He tries a little. He tells her he's freaking out over all the waiting. She just looks up at him with those big eyes and tells him if his plan doesn't work they'll figure something out. "Okay." He tells her because he trusts her on that.

"Would you have liked me if we'd met out there in the real world?"

The question throws him off guard. Of course he would have, and he tells that. He noticed her coming through the prison when he sees hundreds of inmates every day. He would have noticed her in a crowded bar or club. He would have noticed her walking down the street. He would have noticed her anywhere. He's not sure she would have noticed or talked to him. And he's not sure that out there she would have given him the time of day. He sucks at girls. He always has. If they'd met in a club she probably would have walked away, or rolled her eyes, or thrown a drink after some rambling awkward introduction. But yeah he would have noticed, and he would have liked no matter where they met.

He doesn't tell her all that exactly but he does make it clear that she would have caught his attention. She gets this look when he does, like it's the best thing anyone has ever told her. Like she was scared he didn't really like her. He knows he shouldn't because they're out in the open where anyone could walk up, but he kisses her. He kisses her because he needs to reassure her that she's who he wants, he needs her to know that he's in deep with her. That the risks he's been taking, the plans to make it seem like it's not his baby, all of that stuff he's doing is because he wants her.

They break the kiss and he lets his fingers trace over her lips and wishes he could kiss her again because he's never felt this close to another person before.

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Then she fucks Mendez. He didn't rape her. She fucked him; she willingly and knowingly fucked Mendez. And he's never felt more hurt. He's been to war, seen friends die right in front of him. He's lost his leg and had to mourn the life he had before. He's wallowed in pain, and in pity. But he's never hurt like this before.

"I did it for us... I only love you John."

Her words don't offer him comfort. They just make him see that he's fucked up his life for someone he doesn't really know at all.

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He stops talking to her. Stops leaving her notes. When he goes home and closes his eyes he doesn't see her innocence anymore, all he sees is her fucking Mendez. It's an image that haunts him and he can't even call it cheating.

They weren't in a relationship, not a real one. In the real world, in a real relationship she would have told him she was pregnant, he wouldn't have found out when Cesar basically threatened him. And in the real world, in a real relationship, even if he had found out that way the answer would have been simple. He would work to take care of her and their baby. She'd move in with him, they'd get married maybe not right away but they would. He take her far away from the life she'd lived. He'd make sure she never ended up in a place like Litchfield again. That's what he'd do if they were in a real relationship but they're not. And that's what he has to tell himself. That they're not, or weren't, in a real relationship and she just gave him an easy out on all of it. He can transfers to another prison, everyone will think its Mendez baby and he can move on free and clear. He should move on free and clear. The problem is even if it wasn't real, it felt it like it was and he still wants all the real stuff. And he still wants it with her.

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He can't avoid her, and it hurts to treat her like just another inmate. It makes him dread going to work.

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"She misses you."

He's standing outside in the cold by the tobacco shack with a cup in his hand when a voice startles him to the point he almost swallows his dip in fear it's another CO, the last thing he needs is to be caught with tobacco inside the prison. It takes him a moment to process and realize it's Aleida Diaz standing in front of him.

He straightens his posture and gives her a hard look. "Get back to work inmate," he says coldly before he spits into his cup. There's a part of him that feels bad because this is the first time she's ever used a kind tone with him, but he's still not ready to fully deal with his situation with Daya and he has a job to do.

Aleida takes a step forward and locks eyes with him in a way that tells him not to move. "You can be a dick to me. But she misses you. She loves you. She didn't do it to hurt you. That's the last thing she wanted. I bet you come from some happy suburban family. Dress up for holidays, take family pictures and shit. Happy rainbows and sunshine. Daya's not from that world. If you want to blame someone blame me. I was never no mom, not the way I shoulda been. But I told her to fuck Pornstache because in our world you do whatever you can to take of your family. It took me coming here to realize that but I do now. Don't blame her; she loves you the only way she knows how. If you gotta blame someone blame me." Her words stop at the sound of someone walking towards them.

"Get back to work, Inmate." He says sternly and tightens his jaw.

Aleida scoffs slightly and shakes her head. "I thought you were better than the rest of them... Your Uncle must really know people. She got her furlough. She leaves for the city Saturday morning," she tells him before she walks away.

As soon as she's out of sight he lets his shoulders drop and a sigh fall from his lips. It's a sigh of relief but for all the wrong reasons. He's relieved that he doesn't have to come up with a response to everything Aleida said to him and that he could hold his composure with her. Mostly he's relieved it was her and not Daya that confronted him. Daya, his Daya that got the furlough he tried so hard to get her for both of them. And he did take the risk for both them, so they stood a chance at being together in the real world someday.

Aleida's words start to replay in his head and all he can do is bit his lip. He puts his cup down and reaches for the pen in his pocket; he scrawls a note and leaves it under his cup before he walks away knowing that Daya is still checking for notes under it. He knows this because no matter how hurt he's been, he still checks too.

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The next day he finds a small piece of paper with an address scrawled on it. Skeptical he turns the paper over and sees a detailed sketch of a heart. His heart jumps the same way it did the first time he found a note from her, and he can't fight away the smile.

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The cab drops him off in front of a rundown series of apartments in the South Bronx. He looks at down the piece of paper in his hands to make sure he buzzes the right apartment.

"Who the fuck is there?" A vaguely familiar voice asks.

"I'm here to see Daya." He nervously states then waits. Only second pass but his mind hits over drive. Maybe she doesn't want to see him. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe it wasn't even her that left the note; it could have been Aledia or Gloria or...

"Hey. I gotta finish something up but you wanna come up?" She asks like this a normal day to day thing. He nods and follows her into the building then inside a cramped apartment. "Hold up a sec." She hangs a finger at him before she starts moving around the living room checking on her siblings.

The apartment isn't as run down as he expected. He knows it's a stupid stereotype but he expected thugs and bullet holes in the walls. It's not the nicest place, it's pretty obvious all the furniture and everything else is old by it's worn down condition but it's not bad. His eyes move from the fixtures on the walls to Daya and he just watches her. She's trying to convince her youngest sister to eat her corn while picking up the finished plates of the other kids. A smile creeps on his face and his imagination takes over. He can clearly see her doing that with their child... With their children in a bigger place. In a house with enough space that they don't have to sit on top of each other but still do anyway because they're that kind of family. He can see that clear as anything he's ever seen. And he wants it. God does he want it.

"Follow me," she says as she takes a blanket from the sofa and leads him out of the apartment and onto the roof. "Sorry it's so loud in there this is the only place you can ever get quiet."

"You come up here a lot?"

"I used to, before," she nods her head back and forth. "You know I got locked up. I'd come up here to draw, and I'd think about what life was like in other place like California. I never seen the ocean so I used to think about California a lot. You ever been?"

He nods at her question and tries to hide the way his heart sinks as he realizes that she was locked up long before she ever came to Litchfield. She's been locked up her whole life. "Yeah I've been to California. LA is nothing special. A lot of traffic and smog but San Francisco is really pretty. There's all these hills around the ocean. Maybe we can go one day."

"Really?" She asks with the same voice she used when she asked if he'd like her in the real world. The same naïve innocence like she still doesn't believe he'd ever want to do things like that with her.

"Yeah really," he smiles and sits down next to her. "Really... Your mom..."

"I know she talked to you. I'm sorry. I told her to leave you alone."

"No, it was a good thing. I mean I was armed so it was better than when Cesar showed up," he laughs slightly. "That dude is scary." Another nervous laugh leaves his lips and he drums his fingers against his leg for a second before he scoots closer and slips his hand into hers.

"Yeah I never liked him. My mom thought he was the answer to everything. She's so fucking crazy about him. He always came first, never us. Never made no sense to me, how she could just leave us on our own like that for him. I fucked him once but it wasn't like that. I just wanted to get back at her so bad. I wanted to have everything she had before she got locked. I wanted to go visit her and show it off. I wanted to hurt her." She swallows back tears and closes her eyes. "I know it different and all but I didn't do Pornstache to hurt you. I never want to hurt you John, I love you.

"I get it now. You wanted to protect me. You were trying to look out for me. You did what you thought had to do." He blows out a breath and then nods several times before he reaches up and turns her face to look at him, "I love you too." It's the first time he's said the words out loud and to her. The words make her eyes open and they glisten with the hint of tears and her eyes search his for reassurance.

He presses his lips together and nods again, "I love you too Daya. And all of our bad plans even though they don't seem to work. But we'll figure out something. Even if the world has to believe its Mendez baby until you get out, we'll make this work." He leans forward and sinks his lips against hers pouring everything he's felt about her into the kiss. "You can get out and we can leave it behind us. We can move to California, bring your brother and sisters. And our kid. Start a new life together."

"Really?" And again it's in the same voice she always asks that in.

"You gotta stop asking that," he laughs and leans forward to kiss her again. "Yes really. Some day. I promise. Unless I end up in jail."

"Shut up," she playfully slaps his chest and they both laugh.

For a moment they're getting to be a real couple in the real world. No walls or fences. No looking over their shoulders or slipping notes. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her against his chest and even though they're in the real world everything else still fades away until it's just the two of them cuddling on a rooftop. He's never felt more alive.

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They slip back into the apartment around 0300. She puts her finger to her lips to make sure he knows to be quiet as she leads him to a small room in the back and shuts the door. He looks around at his surroundings: pictures of family members, rosary beads, candles, and a huge jewelry box on a dresser. Nothing about the room says Daya to him and it makes him nervous.

"It was my mom's room. When she went away we just left it like this. At first so the kids thought she was coming home soon, then once they realized she wasn't nobody wanted to change it. She wasn't no mom to us but they're young they still wanted to believe she would be. So nobody ever changed it. I don't wanna be like that ya know. I want to be a mom. A real one." There sadness in her voice. A longing for the mom she never had and a hurt for the mom she doesn't think she can be.

"You can be." He nods. "You will be." He nods and steps forward cupping her face in his hands. "I know it." He whispers as he kisses her and he means that.

She pulls him onto the bed with her and they fall into each other. They don't have to be fast, or hide. He takes his time exploring her body, trying to make mental notes of all the pieces of her he won't get to see again for a while. He kisses every pieces of skin his mouth can touch and his hands wander as he's trying to memorize the way she feels. The way being with her like this feels. He knows the effort isn't needed because there's no way he'll ever forget this. It just feels right.

0000

He staring at the clock while Daya sleeps against his chest. Her breath is so soft and humid against his skin and the feeling of being there with her is so natural that he knows if he closes his eyes he's going to fall asleep and when he wakes up their freedom will be over. He'll leave and go back to work, on Monday she'll come back to Litchfield and they'll have to pretend like tonight never happened. And he's not ready to accept that so he's going to fight sleep for as long as he can.

He doesn't have shit figured out. It's all complicated and fucked up but he meant every word he said to her on the roof. They will figure it out. Some way, somehow it'll all work out. It has too. It has too because he sucked at girls until he met her. And he knows now he's always sucked at girls because he was supposed until she came along. It doesn't matter how they met, or what's in their pasts. All that matters is that now he knows he's sucked at every other girl because they weren't her.


End file.
